sigh

november 1. just last year we were planning to go to mom's and fix thanksgiving dinner...

tomorrow will be one year from hearing that the surgery was a no-go for mom's gamma knife surgery. by sunday, mom called and said come. we were on the road and a 12 hour car ride with 4 cats within 2 hours of getting that message.

i had planned to take a recorder with me for thanksgiving and ask questions of mom, like margo, my neice asked dad last year. it never happened. there are so many questions that will never be answered. i miss mom every day. i see the birds and they make me smile. i quilt and it makes me think of her. i just found some papers with her handwriting on them, i didn't want to get rid of them, they were things i would never use...just mom's. i copied some and them passed them on with one of mom's old books, they belong together. i miss her so much.

the things i am doing, i am doing in her memory. i will finish school and it will be because of her. she believed in me and made me believe in myself. i love my mom. i am glad to have known her as an adult child.

i am greatful for the people who are taking care of me now, too. i know they love me and support me, but most of them don't know what its like. fonda's mom says she still looks for her mom sometimes...that's what its like, like she just went out and she'll be back and i can tell her i love her again and she will tell me too. oh, god. i miss my mom.

ok, i need to put on my happy face and to out into the world again, for now. i have to go to class and send some mail...i am not looking forward to the coming weeks. i need to make new plans...i am going to try to continue mom's thanksgiving plans and invite those who cannot make it home for the holiday to come and eat with us. to have those with no other options to come and join us so they won't be alone on thanksgiving, but it will be hard, i know this. but, that's what life is about, making it through the hard times and sharing things with others...making new memories to add to the old. thank god i won't be traveling far this year (knock on wood).

Peace and tears-snile (mom's old sign-off)