no rest for the stressed

i currently have this image on my desktop...it came from National Geographic...cool, huh?

my life as a fish girl has been a bit rocky as of late. i have been told that the first year is the hardest. went to see Golden Compass yesterday, Mom's birthday, and it was good. they played with the timeline from the story, but mostly what happened, happened. some major things were left out--like the ending--but i guess that means that we have to see the second movie, huh?

i am reading like i have never read before...i have read some serious "foundation" articles and a ton of info on estuaries and their functions. i have read about the history of cod, oysters and now striped bass and then Chilean Seabass (toothfish) (they are yummy, but overfished)(duh)(smile). good books and all but a TON of reading. i am taking my comprehensive exams soon (January 7-10)...this should be a time of stress, but i think i will probably be too pooped to be too stressed, but i am not sure...we shall see.

there is a big, bright yellow dandelion in the yard, and temps are in the 70's!! holy cow! the birds are still thinking that it will be snowing soon, and who knows, that may happen tomorrow...gotta go get more bird food soon, and feed the "chickens" (you know, anything that diverts you from what you NEED to be doing). speaking of chickens, i made the neman marcus cookies a few days ago, if you have the recipe, try it, they are great!

this was taken on-board the Schooner-Heritage in June of 2001. mom and i went on this cruse...7 days and 6 nights in Maine...what fun! i actually went swimming, like an idiot...water temps in the 50's!? gotta do it once, huh? this was a really cold morning...mom didn't even have coffee yet!

we had a good time getting there too...covered bridges and some cemeteries for grave rubbing...i brought back a fern from NH at a covered bridge, (probably illegally) that i planted in the front yard, it is probably gone now, with the new people and all...sigh. anyways, we had a good trip and i won't forget it...i also just recently found her copy of the map and notes about the trip! I haven't read it just yet, but it is nice to have her notes too. she was such a neat lady.

sigh

november 1. just last year we were planning to go to mom's and fix thanksgiving dinner...

tomorrow will be one year from hearing that the surgery was a no-go for mom's gamma knife surgery. by sunday, mom called and said come. we were on the road and a 12 hour car ride with 4 cats within 2 hours of getting that message.

i had planned to take a recorder with me for thanksgiving and ask questions of mom, like margo, my neice asked dad last year. it never happened. there are so many questions that will never be answered. i miss mom every day. i see the birds and they make me smile. i quilt and it makes me think of her. i just found some papers with her handwriting on them, i didn't want to get rid of them, they were things i would never use...just mom's. i copied some and them passed them on with one of mom's old books, they belong together. i miss her so much.

the things i am doing, i am doing in her memory. i will finish school and it will be because of her. she believed in me and made me believe in myself. i love my mom. i am glad to have known her as an adult child.

i am greatful for the people who are taking care of me now, too. i know they love me and support me, but most of them don't know what its like. fonda's mom says she still looks for her mom sometimes...that's what its like, like she just went out and she'll be back and i can tell her i love her again and she will tell me too. oh, god. i miss my mom.

ok, i need to put on my happy face and to out into the world again, for now. i have to go to class and send some mail...i am not looking forward to the coming weeks. i need to make new plans...i am going to try to continue mom's thanksgiving plans and invite those who cannot make it home for the holiday to come and eat with us. to have those with no other options to come and join us so they won't be alone on thanksgiving, but it will be hard, i know this. but, that's what life is about, making it through the hard times and sharing things with others...making new memories to add to the old. thank god i won't be traveling far this year (knock on wood).

Peace and tears-snile (mom's old sign-off)

the cute fish...

here is the cute fish...it was like pulling teeth to get it to show up, but i figured it out...what a pain...oh well it is here. it gets put through the ringer and goes in and out of the estuary in my presentation...but it looks happy, huh?

all is good today...i think my sister got a dog...sigh...they are trying to have a baby too. happy to have my life some days. tomorrow is a reading day for me...i have a chapter and 1/2 to get through then there is a new professor and new material...AND i have to continue reading for my comps which will be in January...sigh...one step at a time...i keep telling myself that and i try not to look too far into the future and get TOO over whelmed, but it is easy to feel like that.

Ok, it is after 11:30 and time for bed. good night all.

another day

today was not too bad. i presented to the Sierra Club last night and seemed to be well received. today was spent in a incomprehensible seminar, but really, i understood bits (!)...what fun. then to a lecture who was also somewhat incomprehensible...i am glad that i can record the presentations! reviewing what they said is an important part. this guy is smart and has some good stories, but, WOW he is giving us a TON of information.

tomorrow i have my reading class with my advisor and our lab and during this time i get to present a shortened version of my data, with some bits left out for brevity (hope to be less than 1/2 hour, tomorrow, but ~45-50 minutes on the 30th). i did volunteer for this, this is not a requirement! i did some fun animation in the power point that i just made...what fun! and i made a really cute fish for the presentation...just two ovals and some lines...it is not smiling, but it is cute--smile.

ok...beddy-bye time. just wanted to brag about the presentation.

good night and sweet dreams...

also new years day 06-07

fort macon park


also fort macon, just smaller : )

sunset on new-years day 06-07

mice

we have mice. we have no hot chocolate. these are connected. i noticed a mouse poop and opened the cupboard over the stove and there, on top of my coffee filter-thing was a mouse...not scared, nothing...just sniffing and looking...it finally figured out that i was there and dove out the gap between the cupboard and the vent hood for the stove... warm water, soap and bleach later and a lot of dishes too...we still have mice, but there is not so much poop. WE HAVE 5 CATS!! we shouldn't have mice...sigh...at least one of the cats has caught a mouse so far...maybe 2 weeks ago...fonda through it outside...it was dead, not a boomerang.

as the weather gets cooler, i expect that there will be more. last year, when my mom was sick, we didn't know how long we would be gone, so we took the cats with us. when we came back ~3 weeks later, we noticed that we had mice...after that, we found 3 dead ones, the cats did a good job, but we saw minor evidence over the winter...i expect that we will be seeing more this year...i will keep a (b)log of it.

peace for now...back to the grindstone that is school and associated bits.

amazing thing, time

one day...and i feel better, a bit. i just was having a time with the death of a cartoon character what a geek. but i guess we need what we need and real or fiction, we use what is at hand.

this photo was taken 2006, memorial day weekend on shackleford island in NC. mom and i went out and she was taking photos of a crab on the beach...her photos didn't turn out...new camera and the film didn't load right.

if i had known that that would be the only time mom came to NC to visit us, i think we would have done more. she passed up a weekend birding trip to Cape May, NJ to come and see us. i think she knew what was happening, even if she didn't really know that this would be the only chance to see us and the house and hang out with us in NC. we did see some ponies and had a good lunch, we got LOTS of shells and had fun watching the water and birds and stuff. i will load more photos later. back to studying...sigh.

sera--telephoto lens and at a downward angle...she is not really that fat, and she has lost weight since this photo was taken!

still sad...i can only imagine that it will not feel better for a while. it is still a little over a month to the first anniversary, and i can not believe she is gone. you know, i have lost a lot of friends. family and pets over the years and i thought i knew what mourning was, but i guess it is different with your parents.

i can't believe that i am putting this out into the world on a blog! oh, well. i guess that what they are for huh, to share your world.

well, the dissertation proposal is going slow with all the other stuff in my head, but i know i need to finish soon--my boss is giving me the "hairy eyeball" so that i know i am under orders to finish, or at least hand in an updated draft very soon. maybe by the end of the weekend? we shall see.

fonda has been devoting some time to the sewing room organization and about that i am happy...that means that i may be able to start sewing for stress relief soon, but of course, that also means that i have to get my stuff (school work) off the sewing table...it will happen...i just need to do one thing at a time.

that's it for now...time to focus on the proposal...sigh.

a lesson in frustration

i had to fight with the internet today and then i didn't remember my username and password...what a pain!! This has been an odd day...good until i read the comic "funky winkerbean." there is a character in there that has cancer (breast) and it has spread and she has stopped chemo and all that fun stuff. she is home with her husband and child and she is dying. i miss my mommy. i had planned to go out with fonda today and go see chad and gail and dr. r play at the tipsy teapot in town, but i had a case of mom-sickness and couldn't go out and play...sigh...i do not think i will ever really be over it...it just becomes less...i still cry. i really miss my mom.

time for bed...sigh...just have to get up again tomorrow and do it all over again. but i guess that is what life is about, huh? the kitties and fonda still love me, even if i cry.

humm, first day...

a blog...i guess i have to get used to it. we shall see what becomes of it.